'' Pray, and let God worry '' ♥. - Martin Luther King.
I haven’t blogged in a while, but I felt that I needed to come here and express myself, its easier for me to do so than to be able to say it out loud, or even so say it to you.
I…really miss you. I’m realizing that you are trying to make an effort from all these years to build that bond again as father and son, but something inside me is just not allowing that bond to build again. I’m finding it very hard to open myself to you, as a son, because I’m afraid of something, I’m afraid to open myself to someone who I don’t even know as a father.
I hardly know who you are anymore..when I look at you, I only see a fatherly figure by blood, but in reality, you are just another stranger to me. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know how to speak to you anymore, and I feel that I’m giving out a wrong impression of myself towards you that isn’t true. I don’t mean to push you away, its just that you’ve been so distant from me all these years, I’ve lost connection of how it really feels like to have a father by my side.
You have your own way of looking out for me, and you ask me why i’m so worried and upset whenever I’m near you. You compare me to my brothers and say they are open and they are able to talk to you. You think that its because I dislike you, but the truth is, out of them, I care about you the most, and love you the most, and that is why I find it so hard to speak to you.
I am the last child and the youngest, the one who you cared about the most and shared the most memories with, so why is it that it is so difficult to be able to speak with you?
I just want to pour my heart out and cry on your shoulder, but I’m just really scared about what you’ll say. It tears my heart up that I can’t tell you everything I wanted to all these years and to have to lie to your face directly.
I fear most that when the day comes when you’re not around anymore, I’d regret not telling you how I really feel all my life and would have to burden this guilt of not being able to feel what its like to have a father again.
My mind is all over the place, I just want to be alone but at the same time, next to you. Is that so much to ask?
oh wow..its been ages since i actually posted anything or even logged on tumblr.
haha..hello tumblr. hope i didn’t miss too much. ^^”
we lose opportunities. we gain opportunities. the same flame will never lit anymore. but a brighter flame will always burn with more passion.
thank you Lord. thank you Mother.
the string you hold on to will always knot, but will never snap, as long as you don’t let go.
- yours faithfully,
i wish i had a normal family, where the role of a mother and father wasn’t so complicated. theres so much to say, but its so hard to say it. its been a while since i blogged about myself and everything…exams are over so its nice to catch up on everything. reflecting upon yourself is the best thing, that way you’ll become a better person for not only everyone around you, but yourself. so thinking a lot, you realize that how selfish and cold hearted you’ve been, whether it was unintentional or not. how much you’ve taken for granted and not respected whats been giving to you. why didn’t I think about you guys when you’re practically family to me? why have I been selfish all this time and made it was all about me? this isn’t who I am, so why was I being like this? I just want everything to be okay again…I want everything to be fine for you. hearing you cry yesterday was more hurtful after realizing that I can’t be there for you because of how I’m brought up, i’m sorry… i’m in a big mess right now and i don’t know what to do…i wish i wasn’t so stupid and forget it like it was nothing serious. i don’t know who to turn to except for Him.. i wish we were closer like we were, like the old days..